From Chaos To Intimacy....

Relationships involve people and people are not perfect. Therefore relationships are not perfect. Going into a relationship we have a vision of what things will look like. We imagine things will never change. The joyful person we see on date night who puts everything else aside to give us their undivided attention is who the person is. The truth is nobody is that person. We are able to put life aside for date nights but we are not able to put life aside for life. In fact once we marry we begin to share life together. Sharing life means the atmosphere of date night may be gone.

While on a date we play a role. We position ourselves to treat the other person like a guest. We are kind, gentle, we watch what we say and how we say it. When we plan on moving ahead in the relationship we think we are getting into a relationship with the kind host, however that was a role they played and not who they really are. We plan on relating to the date night person forever, but eventually find out we are in a relationship with someone totally different. From this point on we are constantly fighting everything that is contrary to the date night person. We may say things like, “you are not the person I thought you were”, or “he changed the minute we got married”. The truth is no one changed, we are just sharing the life we left at home to go on dates.

To repair the damages of a painful relationship pattern, we have to go back to the beginning and built the relationship from the beginning. Both partners have to be authentic rather than role play. This switch will be painful and either partner may fight the change but the only way to move forward in a relationship is to build it God’s way.

Step one- finding authenticity

Step two - resisting roles

Step three - being proactive

Step one: Finding authenticity

Each of us have characteristics that God created in us. These include things like being outgoing versus shy and reserved, as well as certain traits that are pulled up when the Holy Spirit gives us spiritual gifts. They include the ability to speak in public clearly and with authority, the ability to restate things you read in an understandable manner for teaching purposes. Being mechanically inclined or musical are others. We also have inherited certain traits from Adam. Being born with sin, we are naturally selfish, and defensive.

Being authentic is the process of submitting to God’s work in us whereby we shed everything about us that acts and reacts in patterns we either inherited from Adam or learned form others.

Because others are accustomed to our behaving a certain way life sails along easier if we continue those patterns. Typically we plan our lives, schedules, and have learned to find our own sense of peace by dealing with this expectations. The moment the other party in a relationship acts or reacts differently our peace is challenged and we resist their behavior.

It will be extremely important that you communicate clearly with the other party so they understand that you are finding the person God created you to be so you can be a blessing in there relationship.

Because this post is not a comprehensive approach to explaining authenticity, I will be brief. See other posts on finding authenticity for a deeper understanding of this.

In brief we need to find everything about ourselves that we have assumed as an identity. Drop the idea that a husband, wife, parent, teacher etc. is who you are. You are a child of God. period! That is our identity. Christ said unless we enter the kingdom of God as a child we cannot enter. We are not just talking about going to heaven, we are talking about living a kingdom life here and now. We don’t have to wait for this life to end to enter the kingdom of God.

Our entire life must be build around our authentic identity and nothing more. This takes time but as we grow into that image, the Holy Spirit will produce fruit in our lives that meet the needs of those we have been trying to serve.

Step Two:

Resisting Roles

The apostle Paul said “I die daily”. Dying daily is exactly what it will take to resist the desire to live the life we are accustomed to living. Our reactions to others will not go away on their own. The only way to be anyone different than who we are is to die and be born again. This is not an event that only deals with the washing away of our sin, it is a new life. Most of us accept Jesus as our savior and think everything else will fall in place. If it did why did Paul say he dies daily?

Dying daily is the process of recognizing the natural par of us that goes against everything that Jesus was. It is a constant focus on who we are rather than what we are doing. When we become who we are supposed to be, we will not have to worry about what we do, that will follow as it should.

Step Three:

Being Proactive

Every thing we do is either an action or a reaction. The only difference is what or who determined the choice. Jesus never reacted, he responded in a proactive way. The difference is found in how and why we make a choice after something happens. If the event determines my action, I am reacting, if my identity determines what I do I am responding.

Since we are assuming our authentic identity it is imperative that our identity determine our choices, thoughts, and attitude.

With these three steps we can live a life of complete freedom. Freedom from the control of our emotions and our environment. Imagine a world where people stop reacting to everything everyone else does, and starts to be who God created them to be. Imagine your relationship where both of you stop reacting to one another and become authentic. Only then can you have an authentic relationship, otherwise you are role playing with a partner who is role playing as well. Intimacy cannot happen in a relationship where two people do not really know each other. Chaos exists when people share space but live in their own little world.

Surrender to God to find your true identity. Live that life. Let all of your actions be based on who you are rather than what everyone else is doing.